31 March 2010


This is what happens when I look away from the television during the advert breaks, but continue to listen....

Sometimes I think I hear what I want to hear....
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29 March 2010

Lesson 7

The x-raffe, y-raffe and z-raffe:

28 March 2010

Lesson 6

The u-raffe, v-raffe and w-raffe:

27 March 2010

Lesson 5

The q-raffe, r-raffe, s-raffe and t-raffe:

26 March 2010

Lesson 4

The l-raffe, m-raffe, n-raffe, o-raffe and p-raffe:

25 March 2010

Lesson 3

The h-raffe, i-raffe, j-raffe and k-raffe:

24 March 2010

Lesson 2

The d-raffe, e-raffe, f-raffe and the aforementioned g-raffe:

23 March 2010

The raffes

I have a simple question for you, what is this a picture of?


Is that your final answer?




Ok, this is awkward.
I am really embarrassed for you right now. This is basic stuff, you should have got that one right.
The correct answer is 'a h-raffe' ..... it makes a perfect h-shape.

This is what a g-raffe looks like:
Its obvious you need to brush up on your Alpha-raffes.
Luckily I am an expert in this area, so prepare to be taught........

Lesson 1 : a-raffes, b-raffes and c-raffes

You see where I'm going with this right?
 .... prepare for lesson 2...

22 March 2010

We all know a Sammy


18 March 2010

Animals of Farthing Wood

I used to watch 'Animals of Farthing Wood' as a kid and even had the annuals, but to be honest, I don’t remember that much about it. I remember that there were characters like fox, vixen and badger, and that they were trying to get somewhere, but it’s all very vague.

I know I loved the show so I presume it was totally bad-ass and awesome in every way, much like myself. In my head, I presumed it all looked a little something like this......

After having a peruse around google images and Wikipedia, I have been left with nothing but the bitter taste of disappointment.

Turns out that the animals of farthing wood were scared of everything and everyone and lots of them got killed on the way to Thorpe Park (that’s where they were going if my extremely accurate memory serves me well).

Rambo badger would never have allowed that crap to happen.


17 March 2010


These two lovely chaps are Llewellyn the panda and his unicorn friend, Paul. I know that Paul is rather feminine looking, but if Disney Pixar movies have taught me anything, it’s that not all animals that give off girly vibes are in fact girls, like the ladybird bug from ‘A Bug’s Life’ (well this, and that Tom Hanks is in fact a tiny tiny cowboy.)

Anyway, before you can truly appreciate these guys, I must first lay down some truths.

Pandas are not endangered. Pandas are not adorable, placid and cuddly. Well not all of them anyway. The truth about pandas is that their population is vast and continually growing. They don’t have any problems mating; they just don’t want to have sex while people watch. Perverts.

The reason people believe there aren’t many pandas left, is that the large majority of them cannot be seen.

Because they are ninjas.


And not the cool kind of ninjas that want to save the girl and kick some bad guy ass. They’re the douchey kind that sneak into your house in the middle of the night and woo-chop you in the neck while you sleep, then take the butter from your fridge so you can’t have a sandwich the next day. Ninja Pandas are highly organised, evil animals.

The pandas you see in the zoo and the ones you see riding around with their unicorn friends, are the small number of good, kind, cuddly pandas. They live in constant danger of attack from their malevolent brothers, which is why some of them allow us to keep them in zoos under our protection.

So now, rather than just assuming Llewellyn is totally frikkin awesome for having a unicorn as a best friend, you can truly appreciate how wonderful and kind Llewellyn is. Despite the great risk involved, he refused to be part of the evil panda empire, and instead spends his days with Paul spreading love and happiness.

How nice.

16 March 2010

Why you should never go bowling:

I don’t go bowling, and if I happen to end up at a bowling alley with friends then I definitely do not partake in a game. There’s a damn good reason for this which I’m now going to pass on to you, but be prepared, the truth is alarming.

Here we have a typical bowling ball, nothing out of the ordinary, no reason to fear picking up one of these and chucking it at some pins, right?


One day, you will go to pick up a bowling ball and instead you will meet your untimely death.

There is a particularly vicious crustacean that goes by the name of ‘The Lebowski Crab’ (Lethalis Dudeus) that has a large shell on its back which it can retreat into for long periods of time. It is carnivorous, with a deep inborn longing for human flesh.

 It may be a coincidence that its shell is spherical with 3 circular holes positioned just like the holes of a bowling ball, or perhaps it was the inspiration for bowling balls in the first place, nobody knows.

 But what we do know is that these creatures are much more intelligent than previously thought.......

Over time they have learnt to infiltrate bowling alleys and sit among the balls until an unsuspecting human comes along and attempts to pick it up in the customary way. Then this shrewd predator can gorge itself on human flesh before making a hasty escape; often by hurtling itself down an alley and disappearing into the mystical world behind the pins.

Now, I’m sure you are thinking one or maybe both of the following:
  •  How come I’ve never heard about this?
  •  The Lebowski crab clearly has a rough jagged shell, how could you possibly mistake it for a bowling ball?
Well firstly, of course you’ve never heard about this, if you had you would never go bowling would you? How would the Bowling alley owners make any money? They wouldn’t, so they cover it up.

And secondly, yes you’re right, the picture clearly shows a jagged shell, but that is a picture of a male Lebowski crab..... the females have perfectly spherical shells which look exactly like bowling balls. Much like a lioness, it is the female Lebowski crab that hunts for meat and brings it back to the family. On occasion this has lead to entire colonies of the cunning blighters inhabiting bowling alleys in various hidden places. The mothers and, when they are old enough, the daughters will leave the nest at night so that they can hide amongst the bowling balls until the alley is open for business.

Most bowling alleys have preventative schemes in place to try and stop the crabs from getting to their customers, but 100’s of people still get attacked every year, 83% of which do not live to tell the tale.

And that is why I don’t like cricket... or go bowling.

15 March 2010

My uber dissertation

This is my take on the title of a friend's dissertation.
8000 words? no. 
368 words of gold? yes.
Graduating with a first? hell yeah

What challenges face teachers in promoting reading for pleasure in a year 4 classroom?

There are many obstacles for a teacher to face when trying to show children the joys of reading for pleasure.

Firstly there is the imminent threat of a tyrannosaurus rex attack. It is widely known, even by young children, that from miles away a T-rex can smell the scent of a child’s happiness when it is derived from reading. The aroma is irresistible to them and they will immediately commence hunting down the source of the smell. It is true that the T-rex population is extremely sparse these days, so the actually probability of a tyrannosaurus  being within range of the odour is miniscule, but the mere thought of a single T-rex instils such a feeling of terror in a child that they are not willing to risk reading, no matter how much they want to.

Another main obstacle is the Christian church. Both Catholicism and Protestantism firmly believe that reading for pleasure is one of the eight deadly sins and will result in an eternity in hell. For example, in the gospels of Mark it is written ‘and then Jesus said unto them, thou shall not endeavour to gaineth pleasure from reading texts, especially Harry Pottereth. This will welcometh satan into your heart and corrupteth your immortal soul.’  Parents and church leaders teach children this from a young age when they are very suggestible and eager to please their elders. This results in children carrying this belief with them through their lives.

The most obvious challenge is getting past all children’s natural inborn knowledge that all teachers are in fact sentient beings from the planet Snoogle, in the galaxy Nimblebroth. It is very common for children to believe they are an evil species as they make them learn geography which is totally lame, however in truth their only motive is to educate human younglings. The dominant religion of their planet Snoogle, is Groolianity. They believe their great god Grool regards teaching as the greatest venture in life and will reward those who follow it with a seat at his table in the glorious afterlife. Therefore their species motive is pure and in no way harmful to the children, but try explaining that to a 9 year old. 

14 March 2010

Why do Ferrari want me to be sad?

It was utterly gutting, although not unexpected, to see Ferrari dominate the race this weekend. The only upside of this is that if it continues, Button might let go of the pressure to defend his title and perform better than he did today.

It was also a shame to see Vettel suffer from a spark plug failure and lose first place to Alonso. Vettel is an awesome young driver who, despite looking suspiciously like a puppy that has been trained to drive an F1 car, is definitely a championship contender.

But worst of all was how dull the new rules have made the race. I tried not to judge the new no refuelling rule before I had watched a race, but now I can say I think it’s a mistake. It takes away a large part of the tactics and it seemed to result in very few changes in grid position.

Last season ended on such a high and it was really disappointing to start this season with such a monotonous race. 

12 March 2010

F1 is back!!

The new F1 season is finally here and along with it comes new teams, new rules and a new points system. Last year I followed the Brawn team and am sad to see them be taken over by Mercedes this year. Ross Brawn is a bit of a hero, but I’m afraid my loyalty must now lie with McLaren and their two British drivers, Button and Hamilton.  Admittedly, part of the reason I’m a Button fan is that he’s a little bit tasty.... but that aside, he really is an interesting driver to follow (not in the stalker sense).

As for Hamilton, I’ve always liked him and disagree with people who constantly accuse him of being arrogant. Last season he showed great humility dealing with a car that didn’t perform like he was accustomed to, and was always grateful to the McLaren mechanics that would pull all-nighters to try and improve the car for the next race. Okay, there was the incident at the Australian grand prix which got McLaren in a fair bit of trouble, but Hamilton was stuck in a very tough position and there wasn’t really anything he could do.

So, we have a British team with two British drivers, both very talented, both championship winners. There a quite a few teams this season who have two drivers of reasonably even talent, like Ferrari for instance (even though one Ferrari driver is adorable and the other makes me want to pull out my own teeth). So who would McLaren back as their number one driver? Personally I would like it to be Button, but I know that Hamilton would be a much safer bet. Button is inconsistent and seems to let the pressure get to him. As current champion I’m sure he’ll feel the pressure to defend his title and prove it wasn’t down to luck, which could lead to some less than brilliant performances on his part.

Hopefully, Button will prove me wrong and McLaren will do really well this season.
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