30 April 2010

Time for a talk, BT

So the premise of the current BT adverts are that 'calling from a mobile phone is too impersonal'. So everyone should make sure they have a landline phone in order to not offend friends and relatives.


Well, I have two problems with this, BT. One is that you're talking crap. Everyone talks on mobiles now, its just how it is.
And the other is the intense stench of desperation that I have to put up with every time your ads are on the tv.

But do not fear, I have a solution.

I have an idea for an ad that will convince everyone to have one, maybe even two, landline phones in their homes.........

So I was walking down the road I live on, heading home, when I saw a black cat run across the road. A split second later, an identical black cat followed it.
So what?? I hear you say. Well because I'm uber smart, I realised that these cats didn't just look the same, they were in fact the same cat!! Deja vu.... which I think we all know means that there is a glitch in the matrix!!! That's right, something had been changed and they were coming after me!! Luckily I was right by my front garden so I ran inside, looking for a way out of the matrix..... and that's when I realised...... I'm a student..... I don't have a landline!!!!!

Fear not, when the agents came for me it wasn't a problem. Just in the nick of time I remembered that I'm 'the one' and totally annihilated them all.

Anyway my point is, Mr BT, that's the premise for your ad right there!!! You HAVE to have a landline or you will be trapped in the matrix and the agents will MESS YOU UP!!!


I'll expect my check in the post.

photo via

Elephantastic part deux

Ok, so we have a slight problem. Well, I have a problem but I can't guarantee your safety either. 

Turns out that elephants don't like their whimsical love affair with melodies to be common knowledge. Its a weak spot that they want to keep secret. So by blogging about it I seem to have enraged the multicoloured elephant that lives in the university library. I assume that whilst surfing the internet through the early hours of the morning as he's rumoured to do, he came across my post. 
... he must have come across it after googling 'elephant love', me thinks he be a lonely elephant. 

so anyway, he's sent me an extremely threatening email and he could come after me at any time. You may not be safe! Keep your eyes peeled for a seriously pissed looking multicoloured elephant, I'm sure he will be hard to miss. 

Artists impression of what the elephant could look like:

24 April 2010

Where Eagles Dare

Where Beagles Care

Where Seagulls Share

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23 April 2010


I have absolutely nothing of value to say. But luckily a picture is worth a thousand words:

Burnham beach

Hampton Court


A sunset in Sardinia

 More fire...

22 April 2010


 Elephant Love Medley........

Elephants Love Melodies!!

Image taken from: here

21 April 2010

Can we keep it???

I want one!! This is ridiculously cute/cool/AWESOME
check it out:

20 April 2010

My Hero

body image issues -------> teen pregnancy?

It's bad enough being a teenage girl anyway, without all the pressure the media puts on you to look 'perfect'. Girls are growing up thinking that their value lies in how attractive they are and how much attention they get from boys.

So many girls who should still be innocent and unaware of such things, are dressing in a provocative manner, wearing make-up and worrying about what boys think about them. 

The statistics are terrifying, for example:

40% of 9- and 10-year-old girls are already trying to lose weight. - wiki
Girls as young as five are unhappy with their bodies and want to be thinner - The Telegraph

This is surely related to the large number of teen pregnancies. If these girls believe what the media promotes, then of course they are going to engage in sexual activity when they are still very young, when they don't know enough about contraception, and when they may not necessarily want to. They feel pressured to be sexual beings because that is the only way they will be valued, that is what makes them cool....

This needs to change. Kids should be allowed to be kids. 

18 April 2010

McLaren 1, 2!!!

Excellent race today, lots of overtaking and strategic tire-changing. Button first, followed by Hamilton and Rosberg. 

Rosberg really driving well and showing up his team mate, Schumacher. Not really sure how the Red bulls ended up lower down the pack like they did...... but great news for McLaren!! Excellent drives by Button and Hamilton. Its also interesting to hear that once again, Button made the call on the tire choice which seemed to be the right decision. Not just a pretty face, aye.

Due to the volcanic ash, the teams are going to be stuck in China for a while longer. Lets hope they can all get to Barcelona for 3 weeks time. Last year, Button got pole position and finished in first place in the Spanish grand prix. Lets hope he can do it again.
Schumacher is yet to live up to his former glory but maybe he will break through in Barcelona, as he has won there six times, four of which were consecutive wins between 2001 and 2004.

We shall see.....

Jessica Simpson's airbrush free magazine shoot

Jessica Simpson has joined the celebrities speaking out against the ridiculous obsession with perfection in our society today. Not only are these photos not airbrushed, but she isn't wearing any make-up

..... although lets be honest, the slight smudgy lines around her eyes suggest mascara or eye-liner or something.....

but even if this is the case, she's still looking far more natural than we've ever seen her or most celebrities and it's a wonderful thing.

Jessica's Marie Claire photo shoot

Let's hope more celebrities follow suit!!

17 April 2010

We need to talk.....

I love you F1, you know I do, but we need to talk.....

Every grand prix weekend I sedate my conscience and ignore how incredibly environmentally damaging F1 is. I watch every qualifying and every race, even the ones that mean I have to get up at 6am, which lets face it, I didn't even know existed until you came into my life. I spent the entire winter counting down the days till you would be back for the new season, and religiously follow all things formula one.

But some weekends there is a whole minute, maybe slightly more, where I hate you. Really, really hate you, (this is ignoring all the times Eddie Jordan makes me want to pop my eyeballs out with a spoon, I don't blame you for that). At the end of the race, when the 3 drivers that have made it on to the podium get out of their cars and go inside to be weighed..... I lose my love for you.

Why oh why is it necessary to have a a corridor lined with women applauding the winners. Why?! Its degrading and highly offensive. I could understand if they were being applauded voluntarily by their mechanics and other team members..... but instead they are congratulated by a congregation of subservient women, in awe of how clever and skilful menfolk are! They are purely there to stroke man egos and worship the big strong superior men! It's pathetic... and don't even get me started on the scantily-clad women on the grid before the race. Only there to hold signs and be ogled.

I love you but this has to stop. I don't care how many races Button wins, or even how many Alonso has to retire from. It will never be enough to make me ignore the blatant sexism.

Brave Britney

It's great to see celebrities getting involved with the body image issues that are seriously warping our society today. 

Britney Spears has allowed the release of untouched photos from a recent photo shoot. They can be seen here alongside the airbrushed versions:

Britney's before and after photos.

The images speak for themselves. Pictures we see every day in magazines and on the internet have been manipulated to make women feel inadequate. To create unattainable ideals of beauty that women spend their lives trying to achieve, sometimes through extreme methods like starvation and unnecessary plastic surgery. Many women believe that they need to look like these 'perfect' women to be worth anything and that all their value lies in how attractive they are to men.

You are worth more than how you look. We are all beautiful people and we all have so much more to give than hair extensions and over plucked eyebrows. 

I'm grateful to Britney for being brave enough to release these photos. She doesn't have flawless skin and cellulite free thighs like the bizarre mannequin-esque barbie doll image. She is a real women and all real women are beautiful. 

13 April 2010

The Great Squog War

It is common knowledge that the great war between squirrels and dogs (the squog war) is still raging on today. What is not known, is how it all began.

There are various interpretations of the evidence but no one knows for sure.

One theory is that dogs originally inhabited the trees with the squirrels, but their clumsiness and tendency to fall from higher branches got rather tedious and dangerous, so they were evicted from squirrel territory.

It has also been suggested that the squirrels used dogs for cavalry in the early rodent wars of 636AD. One hundred years later, when the dogs finally realised their great size advantage over the squirrels, they rebelled against their oppressors.

Another historian has suggested that when dogs started losing their nuts, they mistakenly thought the squirrels were behind it.

There are notable events from this long notorious war, such as;

great love affairs that defied the warring nations

Various attempts to infiltrate the enemies land with elite warriors

And attempts to bring peace. Like in 1745, when King Bushynuts tried to heal the rift . He was an eccentric leader who eventually was forced to abdicate from the thrown as his behaviour got more and more bizarre. The final straw was probably his extravagant royal wedding to his beloved Patricia, who just happened to be a pumpkin.

images from 

2 April 2010


It’s time for me to lay down some more truths. Today’s subject is the toucan.

This image is of a toucan in its preferred garb.

Let’s begin this journey of enlightenment at the top, with the aptly named, top hat.

Now as we all know, a top hat is required to gain entry to heaven (as the wise Ross Noble once told us). As you can see, this toucan looks totally badass in the top hat (admit it ... you would) and would without doubt be allowed through the pearly gates.

The truth is he has already been through the pearly gates many a time. In fact, he comes and goes as he pleases, sometimes just to flirt with St Peter’s wife while she’s tanning by the pool..... and there’s shit all Petey can do about it. Toucans invented both heaven and the top hat,

Obviously, when they are sighted by humans they call on their power of matter manipulation to make it appear as if the top hat is not there. If people saw the toucans’ top hats, they would start asking awkward questions.

Toucans are actually immortal beings far beyond our comprehension, from a distant planet we are yet to discover. No one knows what they actually look like when in their natural habitat, but for some reason, on earth they always take this familiar form. Presumably it’s so that our eyes don’t explode out of our ears.

Toucans have been around since the dawn of time, pretty much doing whatever the hell they please. Occasionally they contribute to the development of human society but often they just observe......amused, with a smug look on their faces.

For example, the toucans created the dinosaurs then killed them with their laser eyes when they were no longer much fun (Although, mention the ridiculously tiny arms of a t-rex to a toucan and they still crack up laughing. Those poor sexually frustrated bastards).  

They then moved on to spawn the Greek gods and mount Olympus, which entertained them for a while, until the astonishing amount of incest just got too icky. Then they moved on to concocting other religions, heaven, hell and so on...

Now let us discuss the obscenely long beak. It has two main functions. The first is that, if a situation arises which calls for interaction with a lesser mortal from planets other than theirs’, the beak enables the toucan to converse with them from a safe distance. This is to avoid any possible contact with grubby peasants and their many diseases, such as stupidity.

The second use is to exaggerate the toucans’ permanent look of smugness and arrogance.

Now for the pipe; it’s mostly just a popular habit picked up over the years. Obviously they don’t smoke normal pipes with tobacco. They smoke pipes hand carved by Woolly Mammoths, from the enormous teeth of Megalodons. Yes these creatures still exist on the toucans home planet, and despite a lack of opposable thumbs, woolly mammoths are extremely talented artists (Van Gough was one.... hitched a ride here with the toucans. Honestly, check Wikipedia.)

And instead of tobacco they currently smoke a concoction made up of hairs from Sean Connery’s beard, and David Bowie’s nail clippings.  

And last but not least we have the bow tie. All I can say about this, is that the toucans tie them by themselves, using only the powerful influence of class and sophistication.

So now that I have enlightened you, you know what you must do.

Buy a top hat. 
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